We have been telling our kids about the situation with Maddox, kind of on a "need to know" basis. They have been asking lots of questions, which seems natural, and so basically know the gist of what is going on. Not fun for a five, four, and two year old. Yesterday before I went to the doctor Keyan told me not to come home crying. I tried, I really did, and so did Jeff, but we were not 100% successful. I can remember seeing my parents cry as a child and being a little shook up by it, so I understand Keyan's feelings.
Last night my sweet, sensitive, honest little boy announced, "If Maddox dies I am going to be so angry." Heart wrenching. I asked him who he was going to be angry at and he reassured me that he wasn't going to be mad at his baby brother. Jeff told him that he could feel angry, without it being directed at any specific person, and I made sure to clarify that we would all be very upset and that those feelings are okay. What little boy, who is starting kindergarten in four days, should have to deal with this situation. It made my heart ache for him and for Brynna and Tracen. They are getting to experience things that are beyond them, beyond me for that matter and it makes me want to make their lives as happy as possible, filled with hugs, and kisses, laughter and fun. So, that is my goal - to make life as good as I can for them and for my sweet husband. I know that there are times when I'll need to excuse myself to the bathroom for a good cry, but there is still much to be happy about. To quote the primary song, "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them through all eternity."
What a blessing to be an eternal family!! The Lord has been good to us.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I pray I say Jeff, Alissa, Keyan, Brynna, Tracen, and Baby Maddox...and all of your names together are the Dixon Family. you are a beautiful family and I pray that you will feel the Lord's comfort.
Please oh please know that there is nothing, NOTHING you could say or write or feel that would make me think anything less. I hope you'll feel like this is a secure and safe spot.
Jeff and Alissa,
ReplyDeleteIt has been a very long time since we have seen each other and I hope that you remember me! This is Alli (Webber) now Hicken from back in the BYU Bountiful Court days. I know that Aimee has kept up with our story a little bit and I hope that she has shared some with you, but I too am a heart mom. Five months ago, we welcomed a little baby boy with a severe congenital heart defect. We were told at his diagnosis to terminate the pregnancy and if he made it to birth, to plan a funeral a few days later. Every child is different, and we have had an absolute roller coaster since he has been born, but Grant turned five months old yesterday and is home making us all laugh daily.
It is so scary to hear horrible news about a baby who is so loved. I know how your heart much be breaking with all of the unknowns and trying to sort through the cardiology world you will be thrown into. I am so grateful for your knowledge of the gospel and the covenants you two have made, but that does not take away the mortal emotions and fear that comes with stepping into the role of a parent. If you would like to talk, email, or even just read some other inspiring heart baby hero's stories, please let me know. Our little guy has his own blog that I started (much like you) following our first bad news ultrasound. Many of my posts in pregnancy echo yours.... if it is any help, go back in the archives and at the very least, you might not feel alone. The blog is grantmeaheart.blogspot.com . If you want to email please feel free. allismileslots@gmail.com
For now, I will do the best thing that anyone can do right now....pray for your little Maddox and your sweet family. Welcome to the world of the heart families... a calling that has taught me more about personal growth and the Atonement than I ever thought possible.
Love,
Alli
I forgot to tell you.... Laurie Lorimer let me know about what you guys are facing...sorry... I always hate it when I don't know where people stumbled in from... especially when you are sharing very sensitive feelings.
ReplyDeleteAlli
OH! Alissa, my heart is aching for you guys. We will definitely have you guys in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteLuvs!
I can't stop crying. I am so sorry for all of this. We will keep you in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh, Alissa. My heart aches for you. My last pregnancy was horrible and we faced maybe losing me or Taryn or both. I know the heart ache and wonder and the pessismism of the doctors. They always give the worst case scenerio. I will pray for you and Maddox. If you would like to talk call me. I understand your pain. 702-673-8948
ReplyDeleteYour sweet family will be in our prayers...
ReplyDeleteAlissa...we are keeping you guys in our prayers. I'm so sorry for what you are facing and I know you have the strength and faith to get through it, especially with your sweet husband. I know it will be tough though. I have a good friend who lost a baby recently and it has been hard to watch, but she's making it through as I know you will. We love you guys!
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