Letter To Maddox

Dear Maddox,

Today we received more bad news from the specialist. Your heart is already showing signs of heart failure. There is fluid developing in your stomach, and your heart is enlarged, meaning that your heart is working so hard to do it's job, but won't be able to forever.
The doctor didn't sound too encouraging. At this point you aren't really in a good position to survive outside of the womb, or undergo the treatment and surgeries that you will need to fix your heart. The doctor said you need to stay put at least four more weeks and not progress any further down the heart failure road. He looked pretty grim, not thinking that was a possibility. In an effort to help you all we can, I went and got a steroid shot to help your lungs be as ready as possible since you will be coming prematurely. I will be getting another shot tomorrow. Just to let you know, they gave it to me in my bum...and it hurt...and now I have one sore cheek. Don't worry though, tomorrow both sides will be sore and I'll no longer feel lopsided. I would gladly get a shot everyday for the rest of my life if it would help you to come to this earth healthy and be able to stay for a LONG while!!

While we have received bad news we are trying to be hopeful and have faith. We are also trying to prepare for the possible outcome that you might get to go back to your Father in Heaven after a very short mission on this earth. We love you Maddox, and if that is Heavenly Father's plan, we will be so grateful to get to be the parents of such a sweet spirit.

There have been some interesting things that have gotten us to this point with you. I was initially going to a different doctor, one who I started to feel more and more unsure of as time went on. I didn't really have a reason to switch doctors, but felt a quiet prodding to find another one. It wasn't until a friend lost her baby half way through her pregnancy, that I felt an urgency to find a new doctor. At my first appointment with the new doctor he did an ultrasound where the problem with your heart was discovered and I was sent to a perinatologist. I don't even see the 2nd OB/GYN due to the seriousness of your condition, but through him and through the promptings of the spirit I was sent to someone who could potentially help you. We are supposed to see the specialist now twice a week and a pediatric cardiologist as soon as we can. Hopefully the cardiologist will have something more positive and hopeful to say, but we know that this is in the Lord's hands and if you are meant to live, that you will, regardless of the doctors findings. I'm not sure why it would be necessary for us to go through the switching of doctors if you don't make it anyway, but maybe it is because Heavenly Father knew that we needed to have a little time to prepare to say goodbye to you. Either way, I feel like the Lord has been aware of us and aware of you, Maddox.

Maybe if I could remember what life was like before this earth I would be more excited for you to get to go back home, but I'm sad that I might not get to cuddle and squeeze and kiss you much here on the earth. You are already so dear to me and your Dad. We love you. Dad is having a hard time with all of this. We have spent plenty of time crying for you, but mostly for us. I think just getting to feel you move inside me is helping me to cope, to feel a bond, regardless of what happens. But it's different for Dad. He's such a soft hearted man, your Dad. He'll love smooching your cheeks off!! Just ask Keyan, Brynna, and Tracen. They get attacked by the kissy monster daily. It's great fun. Your Dad loves wrestling with them and playing all sorts of sports, and is a spiritual leader for our family. You can be so proud of your Dad. Your siblings are loving and fun and full of life. They really hope that you will come and join them in their love of all things Harry Potter and Tiger Woods. Your brothers are into golf and are excited for one more boy to join in the obsession. I wonder if there is golf in heaven.

I feel at peace Maddox, even though my heart is aching for what might be in the future. I KNOW that death is not the end, that I WILL get to be with you again if you leave this world early. What a blessing it is to know our Heavenly Father's plan for us. My understanding of the atonement of Jesus Christ has grown so much in the short time that we have been dealing with this, and I know will continue to grow through this experience. I can't even imagine how much pain He felt, that caused Him to bleed from every pore. I only know that this pain I feel is more than I can handle alone... a little perspective on the immensity of the Savior's sacrifice.

I love you Maddox, and no matter what happens, I'm so grateful for you.

Love,
Mom