14 Months

Maddox is 14 months old today.

One year ago, tomorrow, Jeff and I flew home from CHB(Children's Hospital Boston) with our 2 month old. We were thrilled to be heading home for Christmas and bringing our own miracle with us. Last Christmas, though wonderful to be home, was filled with tremendous stress and intense anxiety as we tried to care for our very fragile baby on our own. We slept little as we suddenly became the full time nurses, care-givers, and parents of Maddox.

On Christmas Eve day I noticed that Maddox's retractions were much more pronounced than normal. There was a definite difference in how he was breathing and I was trying to do my best to discern what had changed and what needed to be done. By late Christmas Eve I was begging Jeff to take him to the ER. Jeff thought he was okay, but I was panicking. Up to this point I had taken our children to the ER and all doctor appointments basically by myself. This was not an area Jeff was used to, but I physically and mentally could not make myself go back to a hospital. I surprised myself with how adamantly I insisted that Jeff take him. Thankfully Jeff could tell I was losing it, and packed our less than six pound baby and all his equipment into the car and headed to the hospital. It was 1am and having not slept for days, I quickly fell asleep. Not even my anxiety for Jeff and Maddox could keep me awake. I slept. Jeff tiredly brought Maddox home around 6am with no real answers, as the local hospital he took Maddox to, isn't equipped to handle someone like him. The staff however didn't see any immediate reason to keep or transfer them to the children's hospital 45 minutes away, so they said Jeff could take Maddox home. Everyone ended up enjoying Christmas. We had presents and yummy food, and spent time together, but there was an underlying feeling of unease.

Starting the day after we came home from Boston, Maddox started throwing up regularly. It was a problem, and we didn't have a group of doctors making rounds a couple times a day to give us the plan for dealing with it. We were on our own.

New Year's Eve was spent lazing about. That night Jeff was upstairs putting kids to bed and I was in Maddox's room trying to console him. He was screaming and writhing and I couldn't get him to calm down. For cardiac patients long bouts of screaming and crying can be less than healthy and for the parent it is nerve-wracking. I didn't know what to do. Maddox started to retch, but midway through, he stiffened, and kind of clenched his jaw. Something was wrong. He quickly turned purple and his eyes started to, very literally, bug out of his face. I started screaming for Jeff. Screaming. I was hysterical. Maddox was going limp, and turning blue, and I was screaming.

"Call 911! Jeff hurry! Maddox! NO!! "

By this point I was down on the floor with Maddox trying to open his mouth, hit him on the back...I had no idea what I was trying to do, but I knew that I was losing my baby. Jeff rushed in and started CPR. He had just taken a course at work a week or two prior. Someone had canceled and he took their spot. Tender mercy.
I remember seeing Maddox finally take a breath and we kind of stopped, not sure what to do at that point. The older kids had come downstairs and were standing at the door to Maddox's bedroom-not sure how long they'd been there. We started to hear sirens. Jeff ran out to meet the emergency personnel and I carried a still blue, but breathing Maddox to the living room. The paramedics rushed in and gave Maddox blow-by O2 and checked his oxygen saturation. Our good neighbors were over almost immediately to take Keyan, Brynna, and Tracen to their home and another neighbor was there to see what needed to be done. So grateful for them.

I rode with Maddox in the back of an ambulance to Cook Children's Hospital in Fort Worth, and Jeff followed by car. The ringing in of the new year was done in a room in the ER bustling with nurses and doctors, and Jeff and I sitting nearly numb in a corner. Maddox spent the next four days in the hospital. And so began 2010.


I look back on the beginnings of our life with Maddox and I am just so grateful that phase is over. What a difference a year makes. This Christmas we are busy watching Maddox's progress with crawling, his attempts to pull himself up to a standing position, his funny stiff-kneed walk while holding our hands. We are thankful for the miraculous little person he is.
He is such a determined and strong willed little boy. He's a love for sure, but such a fighter. He has opened our eyes and our hearts. We love you Maddox. Each month with you is a miracle. Merry Christmas!